All those sweaty bodies in a long, windowless room? No thanks.
If watching Love Island makes you feel like crap, you’re not alone. Each season brings with it a new set of things to hate about you – you’ll never be as tanned, toned, lean, plated, long-lashed, lush-haired and yet as hairless as any of these people. But there’s one facet of life where we, the goblin audience of Love Island who don’t care about the tokens at home, definitely have the upper hand: there’s simply no way we can smell as bad as these contestants.
From the orphanage-style bedroom with no window or visible ventilation, to the clammy-looking communal shower room, to the crotchless sweat-soaked outdoor beanbags, the Love Island villa must surely stink in the highest heavens. Majorcans. But because Smell-O-Vision has yet to take off even after 60 years, all we can rely on is the internet to let us know just how bad it stinks. I’ve spent over an hour decoding Love Island pong online, and here are my main findings.
Villa Love Island smells like fart
And about 90% of them are due to Dami, who is already registered with about a thousand epic firecrackers from the current season so far. The man will really fart anywhere under the covers…
…above the blankets
At the breakfast bar:
To the couch:
Towards the flowery and romantic alley:
The villa had barely had a chance to recover from Jake the Ripper last season, not to mention the jump Jacksmelly Molly Maeand old shitty curtis. In Maura’s immortal words, “it smells like fart here”. Never forget, never forgive.
Villa Love Island smells of body odor
Earlier this year, host Laura Whitmore revealed on a podcast that the “dark” villa “stinks” of body odor. “It smells so bad. If you think about it, that number of people, about 40 or 50 islanders, go through it all summer,” she said. According to Google, the average temperature in Mallorca is 37 degrees throughout the day right now. When you combine that with the rigorous exercise routine of many islanders and the fact that I’ve never seen anyone wipe down gym equipment, I think it’s safe to say it’s a putrid prison.
Villa Love Island smells of tonka bean
Since the area of Davide’s chest is around 4000m2, I have to assume the villa smells like everything he sprays on his skin. According to Grazia, my go-to resource for all stench-based science, Davide’s perfume of choice is Giorgio Armani’s Code, retailing for around $130 per bottle from Chemist Warehouse. It’s a “fresh, citrus scent that warms up with notes of bergamot, amber and tonka bean,” according to Grazia, to whom I say: tonka bean? “A flat, wrinkled legume from South America with an over-the-top flavor that the federal government has declared illegal,” according to Atlantic. And if you thought Jacques was toxic, eat 30 tonkas in a row and you will unfortunately end up dying.
Villa Love Island smells like fake tan
Although they have nothing to do but laze about like lizards all day, these golden tans on Love Island are pretty much as real as danny’s hairline. In previous seasons, host Laura Whitmore unearthed fake tan spots”everywherein the villa, whose air my faithful Grazia describes as “rich in fake tan and baby oil”. Although it was revealed that the show banned fake tans to protect the sheets, I still smell a rat. And when I say smell a rat, I mean see paige’s tan lines.
Villa Love Island smells like a dishwasher inside
Why? I hear you ask. The Love Island villa smells like a dishwasher inside because of all the cups, of course.